I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
