careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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