I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You're like the curious george of whores
ttyl tear gas
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
