I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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