The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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