You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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