i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
