I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
