after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
