i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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