Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
