shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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