my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
accomplished twins. life is a go
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
