If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
