found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
