i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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