He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
