If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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