People in love make me want to vomit
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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