I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
