The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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