I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
