Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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