I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
