anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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