I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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