I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
