I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
