Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do vagina's smell?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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