Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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