I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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