the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
