It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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