I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
