My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
