Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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