we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
