What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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