Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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