Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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