I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
