everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
