By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
