I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it's like heaven, but drunker
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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