non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
