If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
