If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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