I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
