I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
