What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
