I hate your face
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
