3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wrigley field is MILF paradise
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
