the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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