So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
