hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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