Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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