look no pants
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
