and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
